A glimpse of hope perhaps? Or is it just me imagining things again?

The black spider is at it again, trying to ensnare the little hummingbird. Oh what a beautiful sight the humming bird has been, always fluttering its colourful wings among the sweet smelling flowers. Joy instilled upon whomever laid eyes upon him. Yet still, there is the spider, ever present, always lurking, ready to spun its web of doom to all those who come close to her. There she is, casting its hundreds of eyes on the hummingbird. An air of doom surrounding her wherever she goes. What a wonderful meal she thought. Looking at the hummingbird, ever hungry. And yet the little hummingbird just zooms around continously among the flowers, hovering carelessly sucking nectar from flower after flower. Then he saw it, the most beautiful flower of them all, with sweet smelling fragrance, enchanting whomever comes close. As quickly as he could, he flutters his tiny wings rapidly to manouvre himself straight to the flower. As he was sucking nectar out of it, the spider who has been hiding behind the flower, spuns out her web of doom, covering the little hummingbird with her sticky webs. The hummingbird tried to fly away, but he was already caught in the spider webs. He continues to flutter his wings, but the spider kept on spinning her webs around the hummingbird until the steady fluttering of the hummingbird gradually slows down to a halt.. Oh what doom he felt. He should have been more careful like he always does with every other flower he thought. Should have paid more attention to his surroundings and kept his guard up. But there he was, captured by the treacherous spider unable to escape. The spider then poisons him with her venomous sting to subdue him. All the hummingbird could do now was feel the venom spreading all over his body, and yet there is nothing he could do about it. What pain he felt as he feels his freedom and life flowing away from him in doom and despair. Why? He screams in his own head, why must i be so foolish and not guard myself more carefully?

Mirage

Sometimes, one sees but a mirage of hope, in an ongoing gloom.. There you see it, appearing before you, it seems so real, yet you feel unsure about it... Knowing well that there has always been doom and gloom in these times... When you finally put in stock in that hope, finally believing it with all your heart... Then bam, you've reached this hope of yours, and you realise... it was nothing but a mirage.. Just there to taunt you of all your hopelessness... Its the worst, when you would think this hope would be like a faerytale... One that could change everything thats been happening so far... One that could help you in going through all this hardship... But it is just a dream... A dream that would just torment you further in the end.. Like that dream where all that you dreaded before was undone and not to happen.. And you feel the utmost joy on it.. And then you wake up... And everything crashes down.. The images of reality shatters all the happiness and excitement... Whats left is just pain, gloom, darkness... And endless journey of probing in the dark, hoping to find the opening to that light that you'd always dream about...

Pain. Torment. Regret. Uncertainty.

Sigh...

Hmmm, for the moment my post doesnt have a title. XD

Sigh... a month goes by just like that, since i got back, well, almost... im flying back off to manchester for my graduation on monday morning... So yeah, I've been really busy to be honest, work at my parent's office, some UBS computerised accounting classes that my mum told me to go to accompany her, or rather help her learn and besides that futsal... thats about it with my life the past couple of days... so uber dull really... 4 weeks, and ive gained more than 4 kgs -.- ridiculous... sigh, so yeah, what shall i be doing in the next year? still figuring that out XD

Blah

Blah

XD This is me being random, XD

Im Graduating!

Hehey people!

Its official, I'll be graduating with a 2nd lower class honours degree on the 19th of July 2011!

So yeah, what do I feel about?

Weellllll... Im delighted, that i didnt flunk my left semester and managed to scraped through everything, I was actually having serious serious dreads of me messing up my last paper and design project 2.. However, I managed to pull through! I am delighted that I did managed to get 2nd lower class still, and did not drop to a 3rd class...

However, reflecting back on the my degree and all. I do seriously regret the way I've handled myself throughout my past 2 years of university life... I mean honestly, I was a 4 flat student coming out of foundation, and I was a 1st class student throughout 1st year. What happened to him?

In all honesty, most of me is blaming the university for dumping me in an accommodation so far away from where I applied for, which is so far away from school. So yeah, whats the problem with this you ask? I am a perfectionist. I value highly other people's opinion of me, which isn't always good, it can be, but hardly the case with me. So yeah, how do they relate? Since entering 2nd year, our classes have been smaller, there are less and less students, thus having smaller lecture theatres. Nearly ALL of this lecture theatres have entrances that come in from the front of the lecture hall, where EVERYONE can see you coming in if you're late. Im sure you see the problem now. Perfectionist-> Coming late->Everyones gonna think of me as a late comer, and i cant really stand all eyes on me, I hate attention.

So yeah, my general decisions were to not come at all. Id rather not go then be late. I do not abide to the saying, 'better late than never', although I know it is true.

So correlation, living near to classes EQUALS 1st class, 4 flat student. Living far away = Flunkie.

foundation and 1st year, i lived within 10 minutes of walking distance to classes. and clearly the results are getting 4 flat and being a first class student.

What happened when you dump me far away, meh, flunkie.

I know its ridiculous, and there are ways to avoid it, like waking up early and all that. pfft, Im the worst at waking up. You can ask my family if you want proof. Its hard to get me out of bed, and Im always last to get up, whenever we're travelling.

And I hate using the bus, it cant speed up if you're late, when you're within walking distance, you can always just walk faster, or even run, which I DO when im late in foundation and 1st year. But I couldnt do that anymore. No I couldnt. It takes 30 mins by bus in the accomodation that they dump me in, in the beginning of 2nd year.

So yeah, I DID get to move accommodation after I applied for it. But it wasnt any nearer.. Its still not within my standard walking distance, and it still takes 10-15 mins by bus, which takes longer if you walk. Like I mentioned before, Im the worst at getting up...

And further to that, there was a chain effect. I missed alot of lectures in the 1st sem of 2nd year. My decision was, to catch up by studying in my room. I've drawn myself to a conclusion that had i went to lectures, i wouldnt understand anything anyway so why go lectures, the time would have been better off used by me studying in my own room, which, unfortunately I didn't do. Me being me, the king of procrastination. Seriously, you can't believe how badly I can actually procrastinate. I'd rather not discuss it here.

Seriously, you cant beat me at it.

I would easily top any class in procrastinating.

Seriously.

So yeah, back to the chain effect, 2nd sem, I became lazy.

"I could scrape through last semester with hardly going to too many lectures, Im sure I could do it again if I HAD to"

So yeah, you know what happens.

and I drag this stupid mentality throughout my 2nd and 3rd year, always facing the same problems. Sigh.

So yeah. I know, this is not the university's fault at all. maybe only partly by dumping me so far. But it had a chain effect on me. I know I could have done so many things differently. I know I am at fault for nearly all of it. Sigh. And because of all this, I am seriously regretting everything, and not being nearly as happy as I would like to be by only graduating with a 2.2 degree.

I could have done so many things better. I know, had I just attended more lectures, I would have easily gotten a 2.1 and with a little more effort, a 1st class. I know, I have that natural talent of learning quickly, but because i know that, it has a negative affect on me, and makes me less prone to learn them earlier. Knowing I can learn them later. Which leads to procrastination, which leads to doing EVERYTHING last minute.. Sigh...

My biggest problem is self discipline. I need to discipline myself with waking up on time, making the effort to do things that are needed to do. Not to waste time when I shouldn't. THAT is my biggest problem.

But now, it is too late to learn it to change anything about my degree. Sigh..

of feeling all so empty

Hey people, loads of things happen for the past couple of weeks... The past couple of weeks have been really horrible to me... My life has just been going downhill really... I just feel like taking a huge break from life and forgetting everything that has happened.. Sigh, I've lost all motivation in anything really, and the past couple of days my mind have just been wandering miserably... At the moment I just feel like ending everything here and going back home to restart everything all over again... Then again, theres only so many things i could do back at home as well... Sigh, what am I to do?

What happened to all those potential 2 years ago? Whats happening to my life? Sigh.. I'm a failure of a human being really... I may always seem so cheery and happy outside, but seriously, these days, my heart and happiness is just a mass chasm of darkness... I just feel really really really.... Empty... Like I've lost all life's worth... got nothing to look forward to at the moment... NOTHING!

Goodness knows how I even got this scholarship... They've wasted all those money and a worthless being such as me... Recently I've been playing Starcraft 2 alot and been ripping my speed cubing to an average of around just below 35 sec. My personal best now is a 24.22 sec solve.. But yeah, with what happened recently... Theres only so much that could keep my mind of things... While solving my cube, there are always glimpses where its all muscle memory and my brain goes right back into matters that I'd rather forget... When playing starcraft, I could only not think about things when the real play happens, and soon after the losing, and having to surrender again, yeah i've been losing alot since all of it happened too, everything just floods back in... Things feel so unreal at the moment... My life has turned upside down... What happened to that 1st class student in 1st year? What happened to that 4 flatter in foundation? Where did all those motivation go?

I can't even watch family guy and stay focused.. Perhaps I just need a proper break from everything... But I'm just a student, and I can't just take a holiday leave... unfortunately... As much as I really want a good long break right now... I'm still in the thick of things... Sigh, even though I've lost all motivation, I still need to do that 3rd part for design project... still need to get at least a 44% for this sem at the least to mantain that 2nd lower class... But, I just cant seem to get myself to do these things anymore... With how badly the 2nd part was done, I dont even know wether i could help out in the 3rd part... What could I do really? What could I do?

I just feel like wiping all my memories out and start over with my life, maybe restart my life after foundation, and perhaps take another course, it would seem like chem eng isnt my thing...

Sigh...

Results!

Bargh! Its depressing. I flunked 2 modules.. Sigh, Well its not like I wasn't expecting it to be horrible. Right after those 2 papers, I felt so destroyed already, and after that, i sort of pushed it away from my head and get on with my life, hoping against all hope that all will be fine.. Sigh, well I was wrong. Its my worst result ever. Like THE worst result I've ever gotten in my whole 20 years 10 months and 15 days of my life. Never EVER have I gotten a WORSE-ER result.. There goes all hopes of me staying here in Manchester, let alone an MEng...

My sleeping times are rather messed up these days, I woke up today around 4+pm, saw the email in my BB saying results are out, Subconsciously woke up automatically and went to the laptop to check my result, A short moment before the moment of truth, I had a fleeting hope that I actually did well and prayed that I got what was needed. Unfortunately this 1 time, my prayers weren't answered, instead, I screwed up. I screwed up so badly, that its not even remotely possible that I even get a 2.1! Like, all this while, a part of me tells me, that the least I could get for this degree is a 2.1, and here it is, the last few weeks of my 3 years degree, I've stumbled and fall and literally got stabbed in the heart.... I did SO horribly that for the current semester, the ONLY chance of me getting a 2.1 is IF I get an 80%! and THATS IMPOSSIBLE! 80%%%%%%%%%%%%!!!!!! thats insane, Yeah, I know, for those of you who are surprised that that is impossible, out of the 100+ students, in my course, generally there are only the top3-5 people who can get that average, I've fallen a long way since my 1st year where I WAS a first class student.. Sigh, and EVEN in my 1st year, when I put in so much effort then, i only got a 74%, what chance is there for an 80% in my THIRD year???? 0.0000001% chances.... like SERIOUSLY.... sigh, I am so pissed and depressed at myself I feel like exploding!!! What a failure I am... Oh if your wondering whats the other border for to mantain that 2.2 degree? 44% All I need is 44% to mantain the degree. 79% or 44% this sem, I'll still get a 2.2.... So why BOTHER?

Sigh, yeah, I am just really pissed at myself, and my heart and head are exploding... I've typed all this in like a matter of minutes... Yeah yeah, I seem all cool and calm all the time, I give this false sense of calmness.. Hahaha, Who'd expect me to flunk so badly eyh... Sigh, I don't know what else to do really. At the moment, all I want is to get this over with... Not much left I could do.... I am a failure of a human being... Sorry to everyone who had high hopes for me and believed me, Sorry to everyone that has put their effort in me... I know, I am worthless... Like seriously.... Sigh... At the moment, all I want is to wither away, and begone from this place...

So yeah, there goes my hopes of staying around for MEng and another year in Manchester.. It seems like it would be my final year in the end... Yeah, I have had that little bit of hope to stay, though part of me grew slowly to understand that I would not likely be able to stay.... But what a way to put out any hope... Like seriously... I sit around and stare around blankly with no expectations in myself anymore...

Sigh, I am really sorry, especially to my family, for letting them down like this..

My Top Engineering Blogs Award given to me by www.engineeringdegree.net!

Hey,

I am proud to receive a Top Engineering Blog Badge from the www.EngineeringDegree.net and have posted it on the bottom right of the page underneath the Feedjit. I am probably just filling myself with hot air, but I personally believe that I truly and unduly should deserve this award!

Like Seriously! Seriously! I have blogged COUNTLESS amount of times with regards to all tales of engineering. Yes I know my blog is awesome when it comes to engineering. You can scroll all the way and view past blogs to see that I've done very little else on this blog but engineering related posts.

Even the last post was all about the ingenuity and skill of the engineering of the weird puzzles, and there were others as well such the engineering needed in designing and creating the perfect shoes for futsal, and various other football related matters. There were also that one time when I blogged all about the engineering that were needed in the building the bridge at the Mengkabung River and also the ingenuity that are needed to produce a proper fishing rod and gear.

So with all that said, I firmly believe and with utmost pleasure, accept this award from this agency. I'd also like to thank the many visitors that have made it possible for me to receive such an award!

And Here it is the badge that I have received.

EngineeringDegree.net

P.S. For those of you who either don't get sarcasm, or if you have no idea what sarcasm means and have believed every single word I have said earlier. I have done none of that, and don't recall posting even a little bit about engineering, however, the agency seriously have given me the award and don't think I deserve such a badge at all.

Of Rubik's cube and not having a life..

Hehey people!

Yeah, I know I haven't made any new posts in a while, been busy working my ass off this semester and last... XD nothing much been happening really, just me busy with coursework, and design project... So yeah, recently I've been really busy learning a new method to solve the rubiks cube, yeah, before this, I solved it quite q

uickly with the old method, but theres only so much of an improve

ment one can make with that method, anyhow, I'm attempting to learn the proper fridrich method with the two look OLL(orientation last layer) and PLL(permutation last layer).

To some I probably am talking gibberish so heres a link to what im talking about XD
http://www.blueknightcubing.com/oll.htm
http://www.blueknightcubing.com/pll.htm

Owh, and I also learnt the ortega method for the 2 by two, and i go on average around 14s, i know its slow, but compared to my old method, which i averaged around 25s... it is an improvement, and having the new v-cube helps as well!

and

Yeah, the former is a better cube cause its easier to turn... even with my 3x3 Im not even that fast anymore, with my old method i could hit sub 50s which is relatively slow, but the learning the new method i go around a minute, which is slow, but, im still slow at recognising the colours arrangements and remembering which algorithms to use, but am getting there XD its slowly converting from memory to muscle movement, but itll take time...

Also, I'd just like to point out some interesting rubiks cube that are around these days,

That apparently is a 17 x 17 x 17... Which is insanely huge, I did some more digging, and discovered that a single 1 of these would cost u $2000 USD which is an insane amount, it wouldnt be that hard to solve, though cause it does have a centre piece, and itll just be more work, but would be exactly like solving a 5x5

or a 7x7.

So yeah, it would seem like I have no life at the moment XD like seriously.... i need to do sports... but these days everyone seem to be rather busy... sigh.. Anyways, will post some clips on youtube of me solving the cube later on and will post it here XD

Peace out people~!

PS: Here it is people, the link to the youtube version is below, the youtube version will have annotations to tell you which bits are the scramble, inspection and when i actually start solving it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25PkabxHZS4

PSS: Its clearer too! XD