My sleeping times are rather messed up these days, I woke up today around 4+pm, saw the email in my BB saying results are out, Subconsciously woke up automatically and went to the laptop to check my result, A short moment before the moment of truth, I had a fleeting hope that I actually did well and prayed that I got what was needed. Unfortunately this 1 time, my prayers weren't answered, instead, I screwed up. I screwed up so badly, that its not even remotely possible that I even get a 2.1! Like, all this while, a part of me tells me, that the least I could get for this degree is a 2.1, and here it is, the last few weeks of my 3 years degree, I've stumbled and fall and literally got stabbed in the heart.... I did SO horribly that for the current semester, the ONLY chance of me getting a 2.1 is IF I get an 80%! and THATS IMPOSSIBLE! 80%%%%%%%%%%%%!!!!!! thats insane, Yeah, I know, for those of you who are surprised that that is impossible, out of the 100+ students, in my course, generally there are only the top3-5 people who can get that average, I've fallen a long way since my 1st year where I WAS a first class student.. Sigh, and EVEN in my 1st year, when I put in so much effort then, i only got a 74%, what chance is there for an 80% in my THIRD year???? 0.0000001% chances.... like SERIOUSLY.... sigh, I am so pissed and depressed at myself I feel like exploding!!! What a failure I am... Oh if your wondering whats the other border for to mantain that 2.2 degree? 44% All I need is 44% to mantain the degree. 79% or 44% this sem, I'll still get a 2.2.... So why BOTHER?
Sigh, yeah, I am just really pissed at myself, and my heart and head are exploding... I've typed all this in like a matter of minutes... Yeah yeah, I seem all cool and calm all the time, I give this false sense of calmness.. Hahaha, Who'd expect me to flunk so badly eyh... Sigh, I don't know what else to do really. At the moment, all I want is to get this over with... Not much left I could do.... I am a failure of a human being... Sorry to everyone who had high hopes for me and believed me, Sorry to everyone that has put their effort in me... I know, I am worthless... Like seriously.... Sigh... At the moment, all I want is to wither away, and begone from this place...
So yeah, there goes my hopes of staying around for MEng and another year in Manchester.. It seems like it would be my final year in the end... Yeah, I have had that little bit of hope to stay, though part of me grew slowly to understand that I would not likely be able to stay.... But what a way to put out any hope... Like seriously... I sit around and stare around blankly with no expectations in myself anymore...
Sigh, I am really sorry, especially to my family, for letting them down like this..
No comments:
Post a Comment